Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy
by redclouds
Summary: Hidan, Deidara, and Itachi get invited to play Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy. Unfortunately they aren't that smart.


Author's note:

My new one-shot in which Hidan, Deidara and Itachi are invited to play Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy.

* * *

**Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy**

"Alright everyone shut the hell up while I right your assignments on the board." Pein told the assembled Akatsuki. Everyone was seated on chairs in the living room and watched as Pein scribbled down the chores each of them would have to do for the day.

"Okay Itachi you and Kisame are going to wash all the dishes."

Kisame pumped his fists in happiness at the easy assignment.

"Hidan and Kakuzu, you two will be doing the yard work."

"That's bullshit! Our _yard _is over 50 acres and half of it's a damn forest! Do you know how many god damn leaves that is to rake up?! Seriously there's no way two jackoff's like us can do that!"

"Well technically it's six once Kakuzu has those mask babies of his split off."

"Please don't call them that."

"Noted. Alright Deidara and Sasori you guys will be cleaning the halls. I expect a thorough job."

"Whatever un."

"And Tobi get's the best job of all, cleaning the group bathroom."

"Tobi aims to please Mister Leader!" Tobi shouted out with a salute.

"What the hell do you have to do?!" Hidan yelled.

"I have lots of paperwork. And in case you didn't know that means having sex with Konan."

"I told you never to refer to it like that again." Konan said with a glare.

"Once more noted." Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"What the fuck is that?" Hidan said.

"It must be the mail." Pein replied

"Since when do we get mail?" Kakuzu asked.

"Hell if I know." Pein went to the door and opened it. A large stack of mail rested on the doorstep and when Pein looked over to his right he saw the legs of a postman disappear down Zetsu's throat.

"Zetsu, you were supposed to come inside for the meeting."

"I was going to. **Why should I**?"

Pein picked up the mail and brought it into the Akatsuki's house sorting through it he quickly handed it out to the members.

"Did I get anything?" Sasori asked hopefully.

"Sorry, but no." Pein told him unemotionally.

"Oh……"

Itachi had two letters. He opened up the first. "Ah a death threat from Sasuke. How sweet." He opened the second. "Hmm, a rape threat from Orochimaru. How disturbing."

Kakuzu had a large stack of letters.

"What the hell? Why does an asshole like you get so many letters." Hidana asked his partner.

"It's mostly bills."

"What about the pink one?"

"I'm afraid to open it."

"Konan it seems you got a anonymous letter asking if you've turned eighteen yet. That sounds familiar."

"I didn't get anything either did I?" Kisame asked Pein.

"Sorry Kisame I'm afraid nobody cares about you. You probably shouldn't of killed your sister back in Mist."

"Holy shit dudes!" Hidan suddenly yelled clutching a letter in his hands. "I just got invited to play _Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy_."

* * *

"What the fuck Deidara and Itachi got invited too?" Hidan yelled to Kakuzu.

"Apparently they're doing an S-ranked criminal special and your names popped up. Now Hidan this is important, seeing as you three are all in Akatsuki we win money no matter what. But we want you to win a shitload of money and unfortunately you and Deidara are basically retarded and Itachi's mind isn't in the right place anymore. So until the show I'll be teaching you. Now when is it?"

"Three hours."

* * *

_Three hours and nothing learned later_

"And here we are at _Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy!_" The unseen announcer yelled out. "Here are our contestants! Hailing from the Hidden Leaf village, the man who murdered his entire clan save for one little dipshit, Itachi Uchiha! Our next contestant hails from the Hidden Stone village where he was kicked out of after blowing up the Tsuchikage's dog. Deidara! And our final contestant hailing from some obscure village who practices an even more obscure religion. Hidan!"

The crowd cheered for all three names and above all the cheers you could hear fan-girl shrieks as they yelled out to their crushes.

"And now our host. The man who makes men drool in anticipation of his perverted books, who makes Jonin look weak, the powerful, the awesome, the toad charming, the man who is feared and despised by attractive woman all around…. JIIIIIIRAIYAAAA!"

Jiraiya came out of the backstage his usual flaunting self striking odd Kabuki poses before coming to a halt behind his podium.

"Alrighty then looks like we got some tough competitors here. All powerful and feared. Well let's get this show on the road and play some Jeopardy!" The crowd roared. "Now here are the categories; Famous Ninja, Great Battles, Famous Villages, Best Selling Books, Random Crap, and the last category Jiraiya in which every answer will be my name. Alright Itachi you choose first."

"I'd like to buy a vowel."

"Wrong game. Let's move onto Deidara."

"Famous Villages for $200."

"And the answer is: This village was founded in the Land of Earth and is now one of the five strongest villages."

"Ooh ooh! I know this one it's Hidden Stone!." Deidara yelled out.

"You have to ring the buzzer dumbass." Beep beep. "Oh I'm sorry you're out of time. Well Hidan why don't you choose?"

"I'll take Best Selling Boobs for $400."

"I think you mean books."

"Oh…. Well fuck that category!"

"Whatever, lets see if Itachi has regained his senses long enough to say something relevant. Would you like to pick a category."

"I'd like to phone a friend."

"Screw him he's lost his damn mind un!" Deidara yelled at Jiraiya.

"Alright pick another category then."

"Famous ninja for $600."

"And the answer is: Along with Madara Uchiha this man founded the Hidden Leaf village."

_Buzz_

"Itachi?"

"Who is Ichigo Kurosaki?"

"Sorry wrong person. In fact that's the wrong dimension. Hidan would you like to choose a category?"

"Famous jackass ninja's for $1000. I'm all in bitches!"

"And here's the answer: This ninja formerly from Hidden falls is the only known wielder of the Earth Grudge Fear ability."

"Oh my Fucking God I know the answer!" Hidan yelled as he repeated pressed his buzzer. "What the- What the fuck! The buzzer isn't working! God damnit I know the answer it's Kakuzu! Kakuzu the asshole bounty ninja for fucks sake! The buzzer isn't working give me the fucking points I know the answer!"

_Buzz_

"Deidara?"

"Who is Kakuzu un."

"That's correct!"

"You son of a bitch! That was mine and you know it you hermaphroditic bastard!"

"Alright we have time for a few more questions, let's go with Deidara. What category will you pick?"

"Random crap for $800."

"And the answer is: This anime and manga series has the character Naruto and all three of you contestants in it."

_Buzz_

"Deidara?"

"What is One Piece!"

"Holy shit dude." Hidan said.

"Deal or no deal?" Itachi said absently.

* * *

_Later_

"Alright and now let's get a little time to know our contestants before we move on. Itachi you are in last place with an astonishing score of negative 23,000." Jiraiya asked Itachi.

"Is the price right?"

"I don't think you even know where you are right now. But anyways, after massacreing your clan how do you feel?"

"What? There was a massacre? Are my parents okay?"

"Uhhh… let's move on. Deidara how's life."

"I'm winning un!"

"With an astonishing score of $20, I'm still not sure how you did that as the score shouldn't allow such a thing but what do you know. Let's move on to our final contestant Hidan. So what's it like being immortal?"

"What the fuck kind of question is that? Are you seriously retarded or something? I mean honestly between you and these two shitheads your brain couldn't power a tractor around a fucking penny!"

"Well I think we're going skip round two and move on to final jeopardy. The answer is: What the hell is that thing called when you put your hands together and do some weird thing. Hmm that may be the most unspecific question I've ever heard and there are multiple answers. You have thirty seconds although I'm sure it won't matter."

The music started to play and everyone started to right down there answer's and wages. Itachi scribbled for about five seconds before activating his Mangekyo sharingan for no apparent reason while Deidara accidentally swallowed his pen. Hidan was grumbling incoherently.

"Alright times up lets see what you wrote. Itachi first." Jiraiya walked over to Itachi's podium. "Let's see what you answered."

Looking at Itachi's answer it appeared to be a mess of the words foolish, hatred and a smiley face in the middle.

"Alright now what did you wager."

The scribbles disappeared and in their place was a drawing of a chibi Sasuke and Itachi holding hands in a flower garden.

"Well I know I won't be sleeping tonight. Let's move on to Deidara. What did you right as your answer?" Jiraiya looked down at the screen.

'Yo Momma.'

"You've just shown everyone how stupid you really are. And how much did you wager?"

'Yo Mommas Virginity.' Deidara started laughing.

"Wow. That's really something. And now we can see what our final contestant wrote down, I'm almost certain it will be the wrong answer." Jiraiya looked at Hidan's screen.

'I deserve the $1000 my fucking buzzer wasn't working!'

"You just can't let that go can you?"

"I was right God damn it! I deserve that fucking money!"

"Well just for the hell of it let's see what you wagered."

The words 'Go fuck yourself' with two raised middle fingers appeared on the screen.

"And the show has reached a new low. None of you will receive any money and I hope you never have children so your retardation may never spread and may God have mercy on your souls."

"Fuck your God!" Hidan proceeded to attack people in the audience.

* * *

"Good job idiots we didn't win any money. And Itachi _you_ massacred your clan and your parents are dead, by your hands."

"WHAT!"

"As punishment for your incompetence you will have to do all the chores and that includes cleaning the bathroom."

"I've walked to the other side of town to avoid that thing un."

"Well too damn bad."

* * *

_One week later_

"Welcome to _Ultimate Shinobi Jeopardy_! Here are our contestants hailing from the Hidden leaf village Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha!"

**The End**

* * *

How'd you like it?


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